I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
