he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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