I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
