Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
