Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
