sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
