We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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