At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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