No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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