All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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