I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
