that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
