The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
