He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
