Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
