PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
