Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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