You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
