I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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