I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
