Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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