i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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