Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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