She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize