this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
vagina is talking i cant
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
