The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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