THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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