can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
