I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
