Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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