Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize