just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
