When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
