I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dick very happy bro
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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