dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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