I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
