today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
