Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
