i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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