I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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