He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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