Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
