omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
