Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
