And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
