I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
