Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
