i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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