why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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