Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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