I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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