why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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