Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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