end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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