saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
