We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
