my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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