The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
