Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
